Thursday, February 8, 2024

Departure



Hello, it’s been a while.


This post will be a short update and a reflection on the last two years.


As I previously mentioned, I have a new job and will complete my second year of working here this month. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), there will be no third year because I resigned and will start a new job in two weeks.


I didn’t have any desire to write in any form. Either creative work or just personal journaling. In the last two years, I have been living very slowly—except during my 9 to 5—with no particular worry about being lonely. Perhaps because in fact, I found some of the nicest co-workers ever despite some office drama that happened. I loved the atmosphere, I was comfortable with most of the people. The employee package was the best I’ve ever got during my seven years of career. Most of the time I got no complaints and simply lived my quiet office worker’s life.


In the last two years also the period when I was the most aromantic in my entire life. No desire to find someone. Not having any crush. Not trying to get close to anyone. Like I’m currently super comfortable with the thought of being alone. Well, it was also because as I met many kinds of people in the office, many conversations and some events brought me to the conclusion that being straight and having a man as a romantic partner is mostly a waste of time and disadvantageous for women. Like if I want to feel some romance, I could just seek fiction and get my dose of butterflies there.


I did give a guy a chance during the middle of the year 2022. But let’s say I was super disconnected. Even tho he was nice and somehow gave his effort, I kept finding reasons why trying things with me would be a bad idea. Eventually, he gave up after I pulled out my ‘trump card’ aka religion, and my mom. No regrets at all. Now that I think about it, if I look back his effort was literally the bare minimum and I would end up returning the favor twice than what he gave.


Enough talk about that, let’s get to the point of why I decided to resign.


As expected from life, sooner or later there will be change. Sadly, this time, it wasn’t the change that I was able to endure any longer. I was hurt.


By the end of June 2023, a new manager came. My new manager. I wouldn’t expect one person to drastically change the whole atmosphere. I’m no stranger to working hard. My previous companies were the reason why I was so grateful for what I’ve been receiving here. At first, I tried to accommodate his demanding tasks. At some point, he trusted me and began to give me more tasks and I’m starting to get burned out. That and the way he treats us like we’re his servants or something got me even more fed up with the situation.


December 2023 was probably the most exhausting month I’ve ever experienced in my last two years. It seems everything that happened was to lead me to the point where I was determined to find a new job. That one morning, my manager was angry about something trivial. So angry he even took three times to lash his anger on me and dragged the other co-workers to receive his scoldings. When he said something along the lines that ‘my job is unimportant’ and ‘if I quit today he will find someone to replace me in a week or two’, I was hurt. I mean, I didn’t expect him to compliment me but I wouldn’t want my boss to say something as insensitive as that. Especially since I’ve always tried to fulfill his exhausting tasks and put my to-do list aside.


I thought enough was enough. If I don’t leave now I will be the one left out because the other co-workers also planning to resign. It’s not like the situation will get any better. No more pleasant atmosphere as my manager kept hiring new people while the company was at its highest turnover rate. It wasn’t only me who thought that the company somehow changing for the worse. So much toxicity going on that I thought if I’m going to get overworked may as well find a new job that will pay me better. I may gamble for a better situation where I don’t get someone insensitive as a leader.


Back to the present, here I am counting the hours to my last day tomorrow. I also have to prepare to move out to a new place closer.


I’m not sure what to expect in my new job. Not gonna lie, I’m quite anxious because, unlike the previous situation, I’m literally throwing away a full-time job with all of its benefits. My new job is full of possibilities— I’m saying this as a matter of fact. I will be the first HR in my new company which means so many things to build from zero.


I could only wish for the best.


Staying hopeful. Staying strong.


Sunday, December 4, 2022

A selfish being

Loneliness sound scary but once you befriended it, its existence become a comfort.


No matter how many friends you have, no matter how warm you family is, no matter how attentive your lover might be, at the end of the day it’s all come back to you. 


One day you’ll wake up to find the crowded surroundings and the chattering of people faded in the background.


All that’s left is the feeling of lonelier than ever. 


You start questioning whether they even understand your real self with the life problems you’ve told them and the likes and dislikes you’ve shared with them. 


Whether your feelings are ever valid for them. 


Being there for other is hard, being compassionate for other is painful, as the one you cherish might not even reciprocate your efforts. 


You're just someone in their current life journey that they could use to advance. 


And as you’re having this thought, in the back of your head, you feel guilty. 


At this point, is your wish to have people to treat you the same way you did to them even sincere? 


See, human relationships are very bothersome. 


Until it's all come back to the realization that at some point, you will always feel lonely, whether rarely or often. 


But me, I decided to befriended the loneliness. 


So, when the loneliness hits, I will face and accept it. 


I find dealing with loneliness is easier that dealing with how many times human disappoints.  

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

Blink and it's gone

As the collective leave isn’t a thing at my office, my Ied’s holidays this year only last from Saturday to Tuesday. Unlike the previous years when I usually spend it by exploring the quiet Jakarta with friends, this year I spent it with my family and got as much sleep as I want. But four days went by so fast and I have to get back to work in a few hours. I’m already dreading it because my day-offs felt too short yet I knew once I’m back at work the weekend will suddenly come just around the corner.

 

That’s just how time works. You might think 1 year is long but in actuality, it’s a fleeting moment. What you will experience or currently experience become a memory that might even be forgotten as you get older. The same goes for your dreams, your wishes, your wants, and your desires.

 

I’m sure there were days when you thought that you want to do something… or maybe as simple as wanting to eat something good. As the outcome, you either just do it and get what you want or you might postpone it… maybe because you feel unsure or reluctant so you don’t feel like doing or getting it anymore. Whether it's the outcome A or B, both will end up as a memory that sooner or later will be forgotten.

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how many times I ended up with not getting what I want just because I’m not dedicated enough to pursue it. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it’s because I might be a pushover; going with what other people think is the best and just accepting, sacrificing my feelings, and getting hurt by myself. As I’m getting closer to my 30s, I’m finally able to appreciate living at a slower pace and find the beauty in a calm and quiet life. Even so, I think maybe it’s okay to do something out of ordinary once in a while. That doesn’t mean I need to do something crazy or extreme. Just something that’s a little bit out of my comfort zone is good enough. I also need to be firmer so I don’t end up being dragged into uncertainty.

 

In the end, even tho time feels like a fleeting moment it doesn’t mean that you won’t get tired, bored, and hurt. If you’re not careful, one day you might wake up with a wound that’s already so deep only because you were ignoring the signals while pretending that everything is fine.

 

Thursday, March 10, 2022

Begin again

As previously said, I want to find a new job so I resigned on 18 February.

 

The resignation process wasn’t exactly easy. But since I was determined to leave and part ways with my previous company for good, I just endured all the tasks given and the bothersome handover with literally 3 people until my last day. Interestingly enough, the universe worked in such an interesting way. I received an offer just about an hour after I became jobless.

 

So here I am, writing from my new company while waiting for a coworker to send me his file so I can do my report. I’m now living at a new place and I hope life gets better somehow with this new opportunity.

 

So far my new company is exceeding my expectations. A better workplace compared to my previous experiences. The only problems I have so far are the fact that the people here seem to love to work overtime and there are many papers and documents to handle. The rest is honestly good.

 

Life's been really great lately and I’m thankful.

Sunday, January 16, 2022

9 to 17

Do you ever feel like you don’t want to believe—that you can’t believe?

That you’re afraid to believe.

Because to believe is to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to be hurt, to be brokenhearted, and to be betrayed. Despite the possibility that what awaits from your trust might be happiness, nevertheless, you’re still afraid.

The expectation of said happiness is exactly what makes you tremble. Like what if it’s all in your head? Perhaps you’re just imagining the whole thing. A scenario too good to be true.

You have no assurance to hold onto, which makes it harder to believe. At least even when disappointment can come anytime without notice, when you had the assurance, there was a period when you were at peace since you thought everything was fine. You thought you had the world in the palm of your hand. So you were once content.

But this time, you have no assurance.

You are not special even if you want to believe you are. You are just that person amongst a sea of people in the bustling city. Replaceable once they find someone better despite the impression and experience you’ve shared. You never hear… you never read… you never see… you never get that certainty. So, for the sake of protecting yourself from the possible damage, you decided to not believe.

You look at them and smiled bitterly. You don’t say it but you put an invisible wall. You can see them from afar and you can hear the voice. You can converse back for the sake of courtesy. Still, you know you are not as hopeful as before. Perhaps if they still want to see that glistening sparkles in your eyes, they have to write something on that invisible wall and give you some time to think. Who knows. But If they don’t, it’s honestly fine.

Once that wall’s up, you’d rather not wait around.

Seriously, Rika!. Design by Berenica Designs.